I need to scream.

1

It's often easy to be small, isn't it? It's easy to follow instructions, make others comfortable, bring them happiness, and ignore your own needs for the sake of others…. However, my zine won't change that. So let's embrace how fucked up we are together.

2

Unsatisfied…

“I feel bad that I don't want to be by my grandma’s side anymore. Everyone wants me to take care of her and make sure she's OK. But, I feel like I'm not living anymore. I do want to make sure she's okay but I'm tired, I've been by her side and taking care of her since I remembered. I don't go out much anyway but I kinda don't feel like a granddaughter anymore, I feel like a vessel that's only meant to serve her. I know that's a bit harsh and kinda selfish but it's how I felt for a while… like I know she doesn't need me she has other people who are there for her but she keeps looking at ME. Why? I'm always in my own head wanting to do my own thing… I even asked for her help on wanting to get me a house and she said no… because I’m slow at cleaning up things, I guess? I'm still wowed by that….. Like I just want to live my life. Without her shadowing over me and pretending to care about the stupid fucking religion. Tbh, other people don't help. I just keep hearing “But you're an ADULT! You can just leave!” it's not easy… it's like telling a victim “you can just leave and call the police!” or at least it just feels hard to leave. I just don't want her to be upset… I don't want anyone to be upset… being there for her, it made her happy. It made her proud of me and Dad too… he can look at me as something to be proud of, a daughter he's happy to have and not just an embarrassment. Everyone wont think I'm trying to be something that I'm not and won't think that I'm a walking mistake who doesn't know what to do half of the time.” “But, it feels like I'm trapped, I could do my own thing but I can't. My self-doubt just gets stronger and I just stop. It's like I can be better, I can do better, but I don't believe it. It's like a cognitive dissonance that infected my mind, you can't do that… it doesn't fit you. You can't do that… they'll make fun of you. You can't do that… everyone is better than you… it feels frustrating. I just feel so much hate… it makes me want to cry and punch a wall.” “I keep feeling like everything is my fault. Why I'm a bad caretaker, a bad daughter, a bad person….. A bad friend…. It's overwhelming… it keeps me up at night.” — My diary.

Page 3: Credits, Thanks, or Secrets

Wrap it up or leave a cryptic message. Your zine, your rules.